My pastor said something in church the other day that made me think.  He said that often times the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourselves.  For days I have mulled this over and I have come to the conclusion that he is right.

Some of the memories that stand out the most to me are ones in which I, deliberately or not, hurt someone else.  I find this is especially true when it comes to family members.  There have been times when I’ve hurt my youngest daughter’s feelings by discarding her words or thoughts simply because I was too busy to engage with her.

She has left my presence feeling unimportant and unloved.  Thankfully, I usually realize this fairly quickly and can apologize and either stop to give her the attention she deserves, or set a time with her when I’ll be fully available to focus on what she has to say.

However, I also realize that by abruptly sending her away I have caused, on some level, a diminishment of her self-esteem.  And that kills me.

Even though I’ve apologized and tried to make thins “right”, I still carry around guilt … an inability to forgive myself.  Why?  As my pastor pointed out, we often feel that if we hold on to the guilt we can somehow right the wrong; somehow our self-punishment will make things better.  But in reality, nothing we do can turn back the clock and undo our doings.

So, how do we truly forgive ourselves?  First, we need to understand that we were not created to judge … others or ourselves.  It is not our responsibility to inflict punishment.  (I’m not talking about our legal system and the rules that are required for community.)

Secondly, as I mentioned above, our self-punishment through guilt and unforgiveness, will not right the wrong and it benefits no one.  My daughter’s hurt is not diminished by the fact that I am carrying around a 100 pound weight on my shoulders.  If anything, that guilt interferes with my ability to focus on her and build our relationship.

Thirdly, and most importantly, the payment for my wrongdoing was already paid.  When Jesus died on the cross he took all my wrongdoings with him.  He paid the ultimate price.  I no longer need to try to “make up for it”.

Fourthly, the only One who is able to judge has extended grace to me.  He has paid the penalty and has forgiven me.  So if God can forgive me, who am I to not forgive myself?  Do I think I am above God?  No, but if I hold on to the guilt I am, in a sense, acting as if I believe that.

Lastly, I need to trust that the One who has extended me grace will do the same for my daughter.  I have to trust that God can, and will, heal her hurts and mend her self-esteem.

All this being said, I do not think we should take our role as parents, or otherwise, lightly.  We have a responsibility to edify and build-up those around us.  We need to be aware of how our actions affect others and we need to do our best to offer healing instead of hurt.  But, when those moments of wrongdoing occur, and they will, we need to be willing to apologize, ask for forgiveness from the one we hurt and forgive ourselves.  This is the only way we can truly enjoy a better life.