Now that I have acknowledged my wounds, taken them to God, forgiven the one who caused the wounds and allowed God to heal my hurts, what is the next step?  Is there a next step?

In regards to my particular situation, the offender doesn’t even know he has done anything wrong.  So, I’ve wondered if the “right” thing to do is tell the offender what he has done and the pain that has resulted.  Several times I’ve sat down to write a letter to this person.  I’ve thought through exactly what I’d say and how I’d convey the pain I’ve lived with for so many years.  But, each time I start to write I stop and question my motives.

If I’ve truly forgiven him (remember, that doesn’t mean I am giving him my trust), then I am not out to seek revenge.  I no longer want to hurt him just because he has hurt me.  So, I have to ask myself, why am I writing him?  Honestly, my answer has always been the same, because I want him to acknowledge what he’s done, repent and ask for forgiveness.

But, the reality is that when I’ve broached similar subjects with this person, he has not acknowledged my pain.  Instead, he portrays the situation as meaningless and “water under the bridge”.  So, what do I do?

I’ve toyed with this question for several weeks now and it wasn’t until I had lunch with a woman much wiser than I that discovered the answer.  In relating similar wounds from her past my beautiful friend said that she has realized God’s healing is enough.  She understands that bringing up pains to her offender will not result in anything positive because her offender is not ready to, or capable of dealing with the truth.  And because of this, my friend would not get any resolution or closure that she does not already receive from God.

As my friend shared her story with me I realized that this applies to my situation as well.  The person who wounded me is no more able to deal with the situation today than he was when he first committed the sin against me.  So, there is no point in even trying to discuss it with him.

As I mulled this over and prayed about it I realized that I am okay with it.  I don’t want to lash out or seek revenge.  I don’t want to cause more pain or frustration.  Instead I want to honor God with my actions.  So, I bask in the truth of who I am in Him – His daughter that He loves with a love that is far deeper than I can comprehend and His daughter that He sees as whole, complete and beautiful – and trust His healing touch to be more than sufficient to heal even my deepest wounds.

And if/when God sees fit for the conversation to be had with the person who wounded me, I will trust Him to guide my words and give me wisdom in the moments when I need it.  And if that time never comes it is of no consequence, because in Him I Choose a Better Life through the freedom of forgiveness.

Do you have wounds for which you need to do the same?  Choose a Better Life by choosing to take them to God so you can experience the incredible freedom that only he can give … the freedom that comes in spite of other people.

As you know, I recently enjoyed a personal retreat - time alone with God to reflect, relax and plan.  It was wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

As I was working my way through TrueFaced (see post titled A Must Read) I came to the realization that I had suppressed some wounds that had been inflicted upon me years ago.  I had not thought about these particular wounds in a long time, at least not in the light of examining them and the effects they still have on me.  It was a very painful process, but one that I am most grateful for having gone through.

As I walked through and examined these wounds I realized that the only way for me to truly break free of them was to forgive the people who caused the wounds.  But, for the first time in my life I understood that forgiveness comes on two levels.  There is my forgiveness of the offenders before God and then there is my forgiveness I give to the offenders when they ask for it.

The great news is that the first and most important level of forgiveness, forgiving the offender before God, is not dependant upon the second, forgiving the offender when he asks.

As long as I come before God with the desire to forgive the person who wounded me, He can apply his salve and heal my wounds.  No longer is my healing dependant upon the offender’s repentance, or even acknowledgement, of the hurt.  I can be set free from the bondage and pain of sin committed against me just by bringing it to God!

Another reality that set in during my retreat is that forgiveness does not necessarily equal trust.  My offering forgiveness to someone, whether before God or to the person, does not mean that I must automatically trust him.  When he wounded me, he broke my trust.

This is a simple concept, but it’s one that I didn’t understand before.  I thought that when I forgave someone I needed to be willing to enter back into relationship with him and “pick up where we left off”.  That is not the case.  I can forgive someone and still set healthy boundaries with our relationship.  In fact, it is my responsibility to myself to set those boundaries and protect my emotional and when necessary, physical health.

Let me give you a simple example (this is not the wounds I was dealing with over the weekend), if I have shared my deepest, private thoughts with a girlfriend in confidence and she then shares those with someone else without my permission she has broken my trust and wounded me.  I can take that wound to God, offer forgiveness and receive healing.  If my girlfriend realizes she has wounded me she can repent and ask for my forgiveness.  I can then give her my forgiveness and our relationship can be restored, but I may not immediately trust her with my most precious thoughts again.  In time she may be able to regain my trust, but it is not offered from the onset.

For me, there is a tremendous amount of freedom in this truth.  I am now able to receive healing through forgiveness of offenses that I was unwilling to let go of because I was using them as an excuse to put up walls.  I am free from the bondage of pain and hurt and I understand that with that freedom comes the ability to protect myself with healthy boundaries … not walls, but boundaries.  Boundaries that say, I am valuable, I am worthwhile, I am healthy and I am not willing to put myself in a situation where you can hurt me again.

(I need to say that setting healthy boundaries is different from putting up walls that isolate you from everyone.  Healthy boundaries show respect for yourself and others while providing the opportunity to make deep connections with people who share that respect.)

I encourage you to Choose a Better Life by taking your hurts to God, offering forgiveness and allowing Him to apply salve to the wounds.  It’s only then that you will be set free from the bondage of pain. And how wonderful is that freedom!  Let the healing begin!

One of the things I have enjoyed most about our move from California to North Carolina is the color of Fall.  I love looking out my window and seeing the different hues of red, gold, orange and rust.  It’s is so beautiful.  And this year, because of the drought, fall colors have come early.

With my love of Fall comes the relaxing opportunity to collect leaves of many colors.  As I walk any number of trails, I stop every few feet to pick up another bunch of these amazing leaves.  I’ve even gotten my daughter involved.  As much as she hates to admit it, she enjoys my version of a nature walk.

As I was out gathering leaves most recently, I noticed something interesting … no two leaves are alike.  They may come from the same type of tree, or even the same tree, but they are all unique in one way or another.

There are the obvious differences: color and shape, but many are made different by other catalysts.  Some have been nibbled on by a variety of bugs.  Some have been torn during their journey from branch to ground. Some have been stepped on once they came to their resting place on the floor below.

As I have examined and gathered leaves over the past two years I’ve find that I really like the leaves that are not “perfect”.  The ones that are different.  The ones that have some character.   The ones that look as if they have “lived” a little.

Recently it dawned on me … leaves are like people. Simply, by nature, we are all the same; we come from the same place – God created us all – and we all end up in the same place – standing before Him once we die. But along the way we get bumps, bruises and tears.  Some of us even get nibbled on by life experiences.  And it’s these life experiences that cause us to be different, to be our own person, to develop character.

It is our life experiences that also develop our gifts and provide us the opportunities to grow.  Through them we become stronger and more mature.  And by doing so, we often have the opportunity to encourage someone else along the way… to provide her with a  shoulder to lean on when she needs it most reassuring her that she is not alone.

May we never look at circumstances as a bar of measurement for any one life and may we never judge a life by its circumstances.  Instead, may we embrace life experiences, ours and others’, as a means for growth and personal development.  And may we be eternally thankful that God connects us through our individual experiences while using our entire life’s experiences to make us unique.

This poem was sent to me when I was struggling with making the right choices regarding my health.  I thought it may be an encouragement to you too.

Starting Over

If you’ve started out in pursuit of your goal
and you’ve really tried with your heart and soul,
but somehow things get out of control:
START OVER!

When you’ve tried your best to do what you should
and you thought this time that you surely would,
but once again you didn’t do so good:
START OVER!

When you’ve worked so hard to follow the way,
and you fought to win a victory each day,
but one more time you went astray:
START OVER!

When you’ve tried so hard to yourself to be true,
and do the things you know you should do,
but once again you failed to come through:
START OVER!

When the road to success seemed much too long,
and each temptation was oh so strong,
and once again you gave in to wrong:
START OVER!

When you’ve told your friends what you planned to do
and trusted them to help you through,
but soon discovered it’s up to YOU!:
START OVER!

When you know you must be physically fit,
but your hope seems gone and you’re stuck in a pit,
now is not the time for you to QUIT!:
START OVER!

When the week seems long and successes few,
and at the end of the week you’re feeling blue,
remember tomorrow is just for you:
START OVER!

To start AGAIN means a victory is already won,
Start over AGAIN…you’ve proved it can be done,
Don’t just sit there:
START OVER!

Author Unknown

If you’ve been reading my blog you know that I am on a personal retreat this weekend and had no intentions of posting while I’m away.  But, I need your help.  Part of the reason I’m here is to evaluate my current work opportunities and plan for the future.  As such, I would like your input.

In the posts you’ve read, has there been a specific topic that has encouraged you?  Is there a particular category (Health, Forgiveness, Words, World of Work, God-sightings or General) that you prefer to read?  Is there a post-topic or part of my personal story that you would like to learn more about?  Do you have suggestions for topics, that fit my categories, which I’ve not yet touched upon?  Are you part of a group that would benefit from my speaking on one of the Choose a Better Life topics?

I would very much appreciate your taking a few minutes to give me your feedback.  You can do so by either leaving a comment at the end of this post or by sending me an email (click on Contact Me above).

I thank you in advance for your time and input.

In anticipation of my personal retreat, I have been preparing my heart by reading a book and meditating on its lessons.  The book, titled TrueFaced: trust God and others with who you really are by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol and John Lynch is one I wholeheartedly recommend.

If you have ever felt unfulfilled, misunderstood, lonely, afraid or misguided you need to read TrueFaced.  It is only seven chapters long, but if you let them, those seven chapters will change your life with the truths they share.

I am only on chapter five, but the epiphanies I am having and the realizations I am coming to are amazing.  These words are penetrating deep into my soul.  May I never be the same again.

Along this line, today’s post will be short.  I want to leave you with a few quotes from the book and I pray you will take time to ponder them and seek their applicability to your life.

“The degree to which I let you love me is the degree to which you can love me, no matter how much love you have for me.

“Grace is the face love wears when it meets imperfection.”

“Pride shuts down grace.”

As a side note - I will not be posting on Friday, October 12^th because I will be in the middle of my personal retreat.  I am anticipating great things while I am away and I don’t want to be distracted with any form of “work”.

As you go throughout your week, remember to Choose a Better Life - the choice is yours.

Recently my daughter, Britini, came to me to vent about a bully at her school.  This bully swears at the other girls, my daughter included, and threatens to punch them, among other things.  I was trying to comfort Britini while getting her to look beyond her circumstances and see that the girl who is bullying is probably doing so out of pain and anger at her own life.  And because of this pain and anger I wanted Britini to not only let the mean words roll off her, but to also bless this hurting bully.

The idea of blessing your enemy is not an easy, or new, concept.  People have struggled with it for years, myself included.  But what was really difficult for my precious daughter to understand was that God loved this other girl as much as he loved her.  At that point in our conversation, Britini said, “But that’s not fair!  How can he love her when she is so mean as much as he loves me?”

Good question.  “God loves her just as much because his son died for her too.  But, because she doesn’t know him and because she is so mean she doesn’t get to experience his love like you do.”

In discussing this with one of my girlfriends yesterday she put it this way, “There are three diamonds on a table.  They are all of equal size, say 6 karats, cut and clarity.  Because they are identical they each carry the same value.  But, one of those diamonds gets restless and jumps off the table (suspend your disbelief here) and into a mud puddle.  You pick the diamond up and place it back on the table.  The diamond is still a diamond.  It still has the same value to you, but its beauty is covered by it’s actions – the jump into the mud puddle.”

As my girlfriend and I elaborated on this analogy we realized that people do the same thing in a lot of different ways.  The bully is covering her beauty and value with the words she chooses and the pain she tries to inflict on others.

We do the same when we spew a curse on someone or eye them with the “if looks could kill” look.  We also jump in the mud puddle every time we use our words to hurt someone else or when we distort/bend the truth.  Our value is still the same, but our beauty and worth are hidden from the rest of the world.

As for me, I want to be sparkling and clean.  But, I realize that I am human and that I make mistakes, so it’s all too often that I find myself covered in mud.  It is those times that I am deeply grateful for repentance and forgiveness.  I can approach the Throne of Grace and ask God to take out his cloth and clean me off.  He is faithful to do it every time.

Join me in Choosing a Better Life by asking God to clean away the mud and letting your value shine through.

In follow-up to my post, Estar’s Gift, I wanted to update you on Estar’s surgery.  She went in for surgery on Wednesday, September 26^th to have hardware (metal rods) removed from her back, new hardware put in and a bone graft done.  The recovery process is very extensive and rehab can take up to a full year

On the Caring Bridge site dedicated to Estar (http://www.caringbridge.org/tx/estar/) her mom reports on Sunday, September 30^th that, “We are home, amazingly early, buoyed by all of your many prayers. Estar was released yesterday, only 4 days after surgery. At the end of our stay, there was a steady stream of doctors and nurses who wanted to stop by and see how well Estar was standing and walking. I cannot tell you how many time we’ve heard, “I’ve never seen a spinal repair patient who did this well.” Just a few days after surgery, she is eating, walking, and back to her old self. Her mobility is limited and will continue to be, but she is not in an enormous amount of pain. She is already asking to climb stairs, work on her writing, and catch up with missed school work. There was no infection found, so we anticipate a continued speedy recovery. We’re now more worried about keeping her from doing too much! We may be going into bone stimulation therapy as early as next week. Thank you to everyone who is praying. Please focus now on praying that the graft and bones will heal.”

What strikes me most about Estar, is not how well she is recovering – although this is a miracle in itself – but her attitude.  Only four days after a very invasive surgery she is asking to catch up on school work and work on her writing.  Amazing!  This gal is unbelievable.  She really is the epitome of good attitude and passion for life.

May we all Choose a Better Life by following Estar’s lead, allowing her to be our role model in not being discouraged by life’s circumstances.  Thank you Estar for being a tangible example of amazingly good attitude and God’s grace.