As you know, I recently enjoyed a personal retreat - time alone with God to reflect, relax and plan.  It was wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

As I was working my way through TrueFaced (see post titled A Must Read) I came to the realization that I had suppressed some wounds that had been inflicted upon me years ago.  I had not thought about these particular wounds in a long time, at least not in the light of examining them and the effects they still have on me.  It was a very painful process, but one that I am most grateful for having gone through.

As I walked through and examined these wounds I realized that the only way for me to truly break free of them was to forgive the people who caused the wounds.  But, for the first time in my life I understood that forgiveness comes on two levels.  There is my forgiveness of the offenders before God and then there is my forgiveness I give to the offenders when they ask for it.

The great news is that the first and most important level of forgiveness, forgiving the offender before God, is not dependant upon the second, forgiving the offender when he asks.

As long as I come before God with the desire to forgive the person who wounded me, He can apply his salve and heal my wounds.  No longer is my healing dependant upon the offender’s repentance, or even acknowledgement, of the hurt.  I can be set free from the bondage and pain of sin committed against me just by bringing it to God!

Another reality that set in during my retreat is that forgiveness does not necessarily equal trust.  My offering forgiveness to someone, whether before God or to the person, does not mean that I must automatically trust him.  When he wounded me, he broke my trust.

This is a simple concept, but it’s one that I didn’t understand before.  I thought that when I forgave someone I needed to be willing to enter back into relationship with him and “pick up where we left off”.  That is not the case.  I can forgive someone and still set healthy boundaries with our relationship.  In fact, it is my responsibility to myself to set those boundaries and protect my emotional and when necessary, physical health.

Let me give you a simple example (this is not the wounds I was dealing with over the weekend), if I have shared my deepest, private thoughts with a girlfriend in confidence and she then shares those with someone else without my permission she has broken my trust and wounded me.  I can take that wound to God, offer forgiveness and receive healing.  If my girlfriend realizes she has wounded me she can repent and ask for my forgiveness.  I can then give her my forgiveness and our relationship can be restored, but I may not immediately trust her with my most precious thoughts again.  In time she may be able to regain my trust, but it is not offered from the onset.

For me, there is a tremendous amount of freedom in this truth.  I am now able to receive healing through forgiveness of offenses that I was unwilling to let go of because I was using them as an excuse to put up walls.  I am free from the bondage of pain and hurt and I understand that with that freedom comes the ability to protect myself with healthy boundaries … not walls, but boundaries.  Boundaries that say, I am valuable, I am worthwhile, I am healthy and I am not willing to put myself in a situation where you can hurt me again.

(I need to say that setting healthy boundaries is different from putting up walls that isolate you from everyone.  Healthy boundaries show respect for yourself and others while providing the opportunity to make deep connections with people who share that respect.)

I encourage you to Choose a Better Life by taking your hurts to God, offering forgiveness and allowing Him to apply salve to the wounds.  It’s only then that you will be set free from the bondage of pain. And how wonderful is that freedom!  Let the healing begin!