I’m sure you are familiar with the phrase, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.” People often use this as justification to take action before clearing that action with the people directly involved. I know I have. But sometimes it is just not ethical to do so.
Our family dealt with this dilemma over the past week. Our youngest daughter desperately desired a specific outcome to a situation. She had been striving for something for several years and we found ourselves in a place of temptation. (I say “we” because as her parents my husband and I would be participating in this event.)
The way the situation was unfolding our daughter would be able to get half of what she wanted. However, with a little bit of manipulation on our part, we could make the outcome what our daughter really desired. After the fact we would have to address the third party involved and share what we did – which could not be undone – hoping for forgiveness because we did not have permission.
Although the manipulation was a temptation, I knew in my heart it was not the right thing to do. Knowing my daughter would be deeply disappointed I told her we needed to stick to the original plan. I explained that moving ahead without permission would be wrong and that it could cause the third party additional hurt and possibly a deep rift in the relationship.
Even though my daughter was not completely “on board” with the decision I felt confident that the right one had been made. As a result, we could walk away from the situation with our heads held high knowing we had overcome the temptation to be manipulative.
Choose a Better Life by choosing to do what is right, not necessarily what is desired or easy.
There are a number of reasons people don’t ask for what they want: shame, embarrassment, fear, etc. But regardless of the reason, the outcome is always the same, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. This is something we’ve taught our daughters from an early age because all too often people live in frustration feeling as if they didn’t get something they wanted or deserved.
It’s a proud moment when one of our girls musters up the courage to ask a teacher to explain a grade or asks a cashier for a discount because an item is damaged. It’s even encouraging when we are approached with, “I know the house rule is X, but because of these circumstances can I bend the rule this one time?” We may not give the answer she wants, but at least our daughter has learned to ask for what she desires.
This principal is one we also live by. My husband and I have been given upgraded seats on flights and better seating at concerts just because we asked. We’ve been given discounts on clothes and meals and even been given important extras when purchasing a car.
I believe the “trick” is in the asking. We always ask respectfully and try never to ask for something that would put the giver in a bad situation. We never want to take something from someone else or cause pain in the process. And if we are told our request cannot be granted we don’t argue, but thank the person for their consideration.
This Ask Principal holds true in all areas of life not just in asking for material things or services. One area where the need for asking is the greatest is in the job arena. So often an employee feels she deserves a raise or promotion but never approaches her boss to ask for one. Instead she hopes the boss will notice her work and make the offer. When the offer doesn’t come she is left feeling frustrated and resentful often causing her productivity to suffer.
A more effective approach is to talk to the boss and explain your reasoning for asking for the promotion. Worst case scenario, you are told no. Best case scenario, your request is granted. But even if the promotion is not given at this time, the door is opened for discussions and future planning which leaves you informed and with goals to strive toward.
Like most things in life, asking for what you want takes practice. Start with something small, say a discount on fruit that is beginning to age at the grocery store. As your confidence grows begin asking for things that challenge you a bit more. Before you know it, you’ll be a pro at pursuing what is important to you.
What can you ask for today?
Choose a Better Life by challenging the status quo a bit. Respectfully ask for something you want even if that means you will have to step outside your comfort zone.
Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. No matter how many precautions we take or how well we care for our bodies sometimes we just get hit with an illness for which there is no explanation. Granted, the better we care for ourselves, the better equipped we are to deal with these surprise illness when they arise, but there are no guarantees we will never be affected.
My friend Chris is in this situation. In 2001 he became sick with a host of strange symptoms. The more he and his wife sought answers the more bizarre the diagnoses became. After numerous specialists and consultations from some of the best doctors in the country, Chris and Jeanann have finally accepted the fact that there is no diagnosis; no answers.
Because of his symptoms, they are far too numerous to list here, some would say Chris is but a shell of the man he once was. But, to the people who know him, Chris is an amazing man and a role model for everyone who has ever had a bad day.
Despite the fact that he is deaf, has lost most of the feeling across his body, is always in a great deal of pain, and shuffles when he walks, Chris doesn’t stop. He attended just about every wrestling event his son participated in, including several in neighboring states; oversees construction projects at his home as well at the homes of friends and family; and continues to take family vacations many miles from his home. This is not to mention the tasks of daily living: running errands, cooking and grilling, caring for the family pets, attending doctors’ appointments, etc. With the support of his wife and kids, Chris lives life to the fullest.
Jeanann is one of my dearest friends and I often tell her that I am amazed by her husband. Chris has especially been on my heart the past several months as I face my own health struggles. Although my symptoms are not even in the same league as Chris’ I’ve had my share of confused and frustrated doctors, strange diagnoses, and lack of answers. Some days it’s a struggle to even get dressed, not to mention work and maintain the house.
And to be honest, there are days of intense frustration. I had been eating well, exercising, maintaining a healthy weight and getting enough sleep … all the good things we are supposed to do for ourselves. All of these are things I believe in whole-heartedly and know make a huge impact on my quality of life. But, I get frustrated when I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back and I’m not getting any answers.
It is those days of frustration that I think about Chris the most and I remind myself that I have a choice. I can choose to be frustrated and grumpy or I can choose to embrace the blessings of life and do what I can. I also remind myself that were it not for the good care I had been taking of myself the past several years I would probably be much worse off now than I am … a testament to the value of good health.
Choose a Better Life by caring for your body in the best way possible, embracing what you can do, and living life to the fullest you are able. May my friend Chris motivate you to look beyond your circumstances and celebrate the life you are given.
Having planned several women’s retreats, I’m always excited when I get to attend one just as a guest. Once such opportunity arose and all I had to do was hare part of my story on the final morning. How wonderful it was not to have to coordinate any of the details.
After getting settled the first evening, I was disappointed to find there was virtually no structure to the night’s activities. In fact, there was little apparent structure the entire weekend. Some things were given a timeline. Meals, for example, had to be eaten at specific times. But, overall, the activities seemed to be quite loosy-goosy.
About half way through the retreat I realized I was getting increasingly frustrated and that this frustration was hindering my enjoyment of the weekend. So, I took some time to adjust my attitude and decided to look for the good things that could come from spending time with these women.
I am so thankful I did. I ended up sitting and chatting with a woman for several hours. I was able to hear her story and her heart’s desires. It was a precious time with a new friend.
This event reminded me that when we enter a situation with expectations we are, in essence, saying I have needs (real or perceived) and you (or the situation) need to meet them. If/when those needs are not met our tendency is to become indignant and put up walls. Those walls block us from any good thing that may be happening around, or to, us.
We carry expectations with us when we attend events, go on vacations, travel for business, attend meetings, make presentations, buy new items, etc. Without our even being aware of them, expectations follow us everywhere.
One area expectations seem to be the strongest, and tend to do the most damage is in our relationships. Whatever the relationship - spouse, friend, family member - we desire, and often think, the other person should meet our needs. And oftentimes we believe the other person should know our needs/desires without our even telling him. When those needs/desires are not met, we get angry or frustrated, put up walls and many times shut down. What a recipe for disaster!
It’s a conscious decision to release our expectations and allow ourselves to be open to the unexpected.
Choose a Better Life by choosing to become aware of your expectations and willfully letting them go. By doing so, you will enjoy life more and be blessed in ways you did not anticipate.
I love people. I love that everyone has a story. Everyone.
Some people’s stories include a difficult childhood, others a loving home life. Some lived overseas, others have never left their hometown. Some people are intertwined with sports, others are academics. Some were given the best of everything, others had to drop out of school to help support their families. The options are as endless as the number of people.
But everyone I meet has a story. I wish I had time to hear them all. I’d love to get to know the waiter who served my family and I brunch and the man who stood behind me in line at the post office. I would love to know more about the lady who sits in the lobby with me at the doctor’s office. She and her husband are shy and don’t like to talk much so I don’t probe.
But, whenever I have the chance I ask questions and listen to stories. And what amazing people I have met. Ordinary people with extraordinary lives.
I met a former CIA agent in the bookstore. His wife is German and he has 3 kids, 2 sons and 1 daughter. He has lived all over the world and speaks several languages. We had a great chat not too long ago.
I met an Egyptian man who now lives in Sydney, Australia. He has a fantastic family and an amazing heart for his kids. He teaches classes at his church when they need someone to fill in. And he loves owning his own business so he can be available for such occasions.
I had the opportunity to forge a friendship with my neighbor. She is from the Middle East and is often left at home to take care of the kids while her husband travels back “home” to work. She and I moved to North Carolina about the same time and we helped one another study for the driver’s test. Because she is Muslim and wears a hijab I had the opportunity to vouch for her when she took her picture at the DMV.
I was able to share parenting stories with the technician who did my last mammogram because we both have kids about the same age. My heart was saddened when she told me one of her children passed away early on. But I was inspired by how she was determined not to let that be the only thing that defines her.
I have literally met people from all over the world and been blessed by listening and sharing part of our lives. Even the folks I’ve chatted with in passing at airports have enriched my life as they widen my understanding of the world and the people in it.
I love to hear stories. Everyone has one and no two are alike. Even siblings who grew up in the same family have different experiences and interpretations of the events of their lives. The more stories I hear the more fascinated and encouraged I am by the fact that no matter where we are from, we all share commonalities including: love for others, the desire to be known and understood, and dreams for our future.
Choose a Better Life by taking the time to invest in the lives of others. Listen to their stores and if appropriate, share part of yours. People are wonderful and our lives are enriched by their presence.
My husband and I had lunch with a woman, Olalah, from our area whom we met through an online social media site. Within a few minutes we knew there was an affinity for each other so when my husband had to get back to work, my new friend and I stayed for an hour or so longer getting to know each other.
Our conversation covered many topics including, family, work, vision, faith and authenticity. One of the things we shared in common is that when getting to know someone new, neither of us likes to focus on the person’s job. “That is what they DO, it is not the WHO of who they are” she said. I couldn’t agree more.
So often when we first meet someone regardless of whether it is a business function or a social event we ask, “So, what do you do?” We immediately delve into the person’s job and how they make a living. This is understandable because many of us tie our self worth into our professions. But, our professions are just a portion of who we are.
At the most basic of levels I am an author, speaker, and consultant. But I am also a wife, mother, daughter and sister. And more than that, I am a woman of faith who enjoys many hobbies, travel, and adventure. I have dreams and goals and love to try new things. I also have struggles and challenges. All this and more goes into the Who of who I am.
I think of lyrics from The Who’s song “Who Are You.” Part of the chorus says:
Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
All too often we spend such an enormous amount of time developing the Do in our lives that we forget about the Who. We have career goals and benchmarks that we agonize over and strive toward. In and of themselves career goals are not a bad thing. But, when we allow that to be the focus of our lives we miss out on so much more.
When I was in college my goal was to have a corner window office. I didn’t care where that office was, I just wanted what it signified … success. By the time I was in my mid-twenties I had that office. It was over 200 square feet and in a prime office park.
Like many others, what I soon realized was that the office, my Do, was not giving me the satisfaction I had desired. In fact, I was bored with my job and began looking for something else within a year or so.
But, in the years that followed, as I began developing my Who, my Do was not nearly as significant and self-defining as it once was. Good thing. A few years later my husband and I lost our consulting business in a business deal that went bad and I lost my Do completely. I was unemployed. It was a challenging time, but I realized my Who and my character was what would remain with me.
And it is your Who and your character that will always remain with you long after your career has ended.
Choose a Better Life by being equally, if not more, passionate about developing your Who as you are your Do. And as you get to know new people focus on Who they are and share Who you are rather than your professions. Your relationships will be more authentic, rewarding, and sustainable as you dig deeper into each other’s character.
My husband loves this saying and he uses it to remind me to take things in steps. So often I set a goal and want to achieve it NOW. But in most cases, not only is NOW not a possibility, but it is often not the bet way to get results.
Much of the value of reaching a goal is not in the goal itself, but in the process we take to get there. We learn not only about our end goal, but more importantly about ourselves as we strive to reach the finish line.
A dear girlfriend of mine is taking steps to get her finances under control. She is a single lady about to turn 60 years old. She does not live extravagantly, but she has been depending on credit cards to help her each month. My girlfriend has finally decided that she no longer wants to be in bondage to debt so it’s time to take control of her finances.
Her goal is to become debt free.
However, becoming debt free is a process. It will not happen NOW. My girlfriend knows this and is willing to put in the time and effort it will take to achieve her goal.
Her first step was to enroll in a financial freedom class. After the first few classes, my friend was overwhelmed and disheartened when she was confronted with the actual disarray of her finances. She told me that if she hadn’t taken a close look at her spending habits she would have continued to live in ignorance and denial pretending things were okay. But, she also realized that if she hadn’t taken an honest look at her budget she would never reach her goal.
What encourages me most about my friend is not that she is striving to be debt free, but that she is learning so much about herself as she goes through the process. She has discovered spending habits that stem from an inner desire to please others; she has confronted fears about being on her own; and she has been forced to overcome pain caused by a difficult childhood. All because she is in process of reaching a goal.
So as my girlfriend continues toward her goal by taking one step at a time, one bite of the elephant at a time, she is becoming stronger because of the process.
This truth applies to any goal we set: getting healthy, changing careers, writing a book, any goal. The most growth comes not from the achievement, but from the process.
Choose a Better Life by eating the elephant one bite at a time and gaining as much wisdom, insight, and growth from the process as possible.
My daughter’s favorite movie star is in the next town filming a movie. A few weeks ago we decided to take the day off and take her to where we thought he was filming for the day. We were thrilled to discover we had the right location.
We, along with several other fans and a television news crew, waited for hours in hopes of catching a glimpse of this man. Imagine the excitement when he actually took a few minutes away from the set to come out and great everyone. He chatted with the girls and signed autographs.
Most of the fans, my daughter included, were so star struck that they could barely talk, but they sure did giggle quite a bit. Once the movie star went back inside the buzz among the fans continued. “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe I met him!” “He is so amazing.”
We had started the day just hoping to see this start, but we had come prepared with movie paraphernalia in case the amazing happened … an actual meeting. And it did.
What I found intriguing was that after the star returned to the indoor set and his PR rep said he would not be coming back outside the girls wanted to stay. I tried to explain to my daughter that she had gotten more than she initially hoped for and that this star would not be coming back outside until after the end of shooting – 10:30 pm and I was not willing to stay that long.
In the days that followed my daughter continued to talk about her encounter. I thought about my daughter’s passion (ok, almost obsession) with this movie star and her willingness to endure endless hours in the sun just to see a glimpse of him again. Her desire to have a connection with this guy propelled her to put aside everything else just so she could focus on him.
I began to wonder what I pursue with that same fervency. What do I pursue with that same non-stop passion? What possibilities get me so excited that I am willing to set everything else aside just to get a glimpse of something great?
Imagine how wonderful our world would be if we took the same burning passion my daughter has for this star and used it within ourselves to propel us towards our goals. What would our businesses look like? What about our neighborhoods? What if we dedicated ourselves to making a difference in this world? To impacting the lives of those around us? The possibilities are endless.
Choose a Better Life by choosing to release your passions and pursue them with fervency. Don’t let the grind of daily living get in your way. Pursue, pursue, pursue.
According to a September 2007 study by the American Psychological Association 79% of people say stress is a fact of life. In September 2008 the APA released a study saying that stress among women is even higher – 84% depending on the topic. And from my conversation with people around the world, it is safe to say that stress is not just an American issue. People are stressed.
That being the case, we can all benefit from some basic information on dealing with, and reducing, stress in our lives. Here are seven of my favorite tips:
Prioritize. If you are running from task to task and feeling drained at the end of the day maybe you are trying to accomplish too many things at once. Set priorities. What is it that really needs to be completed today? What do you need to do yourself and what can you delegate to others? What tasks can wait until tomorrow, or even later, to be finished? Will your home life really fall apart if all the chores are not done today?
Be Activity Efficient. Group similar activities together to accomplish more in less time. For example, pay all of your bills at once. That way you only need to access your banking material at one time. Do the same with running errands, returning calls, completing paperwork, filing forms, etc.
Eliminate invaluable distractions. If you find yourself being easily distracted ask yourself if you really want to take the detour. If the answer is yes, enjoy the distraction, but if no, get back on task. Also, remove distraction temptations from your sight. For example, if email is a problem, inactivate the email received prompts on your computer.
Organize your home and office. Get rid of extra clutter in your space. Clutter not only takes up space, but it also takes time to maintain – dust, organize, rearrange, sort, etc. Clutter also makes it difficult to relax and focus.
Say, “No”. It is okay to say, “No” to activities and responsibilities. In fact, it is healthy to do so. You need to know your boundaries and defend them. There will always be people asking for your time and commitments, but it is up to you to know your priorities and care for them. There is no shame in not taking on additional activities that encroach on your precious time.
Say, “Yes!” to you time. Make time for yourself on a weekly, quarterly and yearly basis. Weekly, take advantage of a cancelled meeting by taking a walk or doing something fun. Even better, schedule a meeting with yourself, Put it on your calendar and defend that time. Quarterly, plan an overnight getaway just for yourself. A night of fun without work or responsibilities. Yearly, take time to have a personal retreat; several days to get away to clear your mind, rest and restore your spirit.
Maintain a positive attitude. I can’t emphasize this enough. Of all the tips this is the most important. We cannot always choose our circumstances, but we can always choose our attitudes. Choose to focus on the blessings, the good things (a friendship, a roof over your head, the sunlight streaming through the window, even a flower in a jelly jar) and enjoy them with gratitude.
Choose a Better Life by choosing to reduce stress. With each ounce of stress you release you will become a better parent, spouse, boss, employee and friend.
If you are like me, you find it easy to get caught up in the daily “To Do” list. There always seems to be more tasks to accomplish than there is day to accomplish them. Life is busy and demanding.
But all too often we allow our busy and demanding lives to over take the quality of our lives. We trade the fun for the urgent, the excitement for the mundane. And we justify this trade-off by telling ourselves that “there is just too much to do. I’ll take a day off when I get to the bottom of my To Do list.”
The problem is that we never get to the bottom of the list. No sooner do we cross one item off then we add two more. We will always have an abundance of tasks to complete, errands to run, and work to do. It’s when we get bogged down by these things that our quality of life and relationships suffer.
In order to keep that from happening you have to make room in your life for the unexpected, the unusual. And, you have to seize the opportunity to act on those opportunities.
For example, tomorrow would be a typical day in my household … work for myself and my husband and school for our daughter. However, we learned that one of my daughter’s favorite movie stars is in a nearby town filming a movie. We researched and found a tentative schedule for his location shoots.
So, my daughter and I are going to “buck the system” and head over to where we think he may be. I have no idea if we will actually get to see him or not or if we’ll even be able to park anywhere close to the set, but we are going to give it a try.
I’ve decided that the world will not come to an end if I don’t get through my stack of paperwork or if I don’t make more progress on my book tomorrow. My “To Do” list will still be waiting for me on Friday and my business will still be in tact.
Regardless of whether or not we actually get to see this actor (or as my husband says of my daughter, “She just wants to breathe his air.”) my daughter and I will have a fun day together hunting him down and enjoying the nearby town. I’m sure our time will be filled with giggles and laughs as we try not to appear too much like a stalker or a crazed fan.
Choose a Better Life by making room in your life for the unexpected and the unusual. You never know where those opportunities will lead, but one thing is for sure, you will have fun in the process.