Our lives and emotions are like onions, you peel a layer off and there is another one underneath.  We are wonderfully complex and multidimensional allowing us to enjoy experiences on many different levels.

But because we have so many layers, an issue we thought was resolved can show itself again when we least expected it.  This happened to me recently.

I had worked for a long time on personal healing and had forgiven those who wronged me. (See post Forgiveness with Boundaries on 10.26.07.)  After my forgiveness had been given I enjoyed many months of peace in regards to these individuals.  Then suddenly, a few weeks ago, I realized I was angry at these people again – very angry.

It took me several days of journaling, praying and talking with my husband to realize that I was not angry for the past, I truly had been healed and given my forgiveness, but angry because of how I felt I was being treated now.  What was even more frustrating is that the people with whom I was angry are people that I so long to have a good, healthy relationship with.

As I was journaling and praying I had several epiphanies.  First, I realized that the hurt I feel over what “could have been” is probably shared by these people too.  Secondly, I realized that they are probably clueless about the pain that they continue to cause and if confronted, they would say that was not their intent at all.  Finally, I realized that they probably have no idea how I feel.

I have been hesitant about sharing my desire for a rebuilt, healthy relationship because of fear of rejection and additional hurt.  However, I am fairly positive these folks feel the same way.  Even though I am unaware, I can be fairly certain that I have acted in ways to cause pain and hurt in this situation as well.

So, I decided to take a risk.  I’ve written a letter to one of these individuals telling him how I desire to have a relationship with him.  I have not gone into detail about my hurt or about the others involved.  I am focusing strictly on my relationship with him.  I am hopeful that we can slowly begin to mend fences and start anew on our relationship.

I must say, once I thought about how each of these others must be feeling my anger dissipated almost immediately and I began to see them in a new way.  Now I am excited to see what God will do in our relationships.

Choose a Better Life by being willing to look at a situation from another’s point of view and being willing to mend fences.

Now that I have acknowledged my wounds, taken them to God, forgiven the one who caused the wounds and allowed God to heal my hurts, what is the next step?  Is there a next step?

In regards to my particular situation, the offender doesn’t even know he has done anything wrong.  So, I’ve wondered if the “right” thing to do is tell the offender what he has done and the pain that has resulted.  Several times I’ve sat down to write a letter to this person.  I’ve thought through exactly what I’d say and how I’d convey the pain I’ve lived with for so many years.  But, each time I start to write I stop and question my motives.

If I’ve truly forgiven him (remember, that doesn’t mean I am giving him my trust), then I am not out to seek revenge.  I no longer want to hurt him just because he has hurt me.  So, I have to ask myself, why am I writing him?  Honestly, my answer has always been the same, because I want him to acknowledge what he’s done, repent and ask for forgiveness.

But, the reality is that when I’ve broached similar subjects with this person, he has not acknowledged my pain.  Instead, he portrays the situation as meaningless and “water under the bridge”.  So, what do I do?

I’ve toyed with this question for several weeks now and it wasn’t until I had lunch with a woman much wiser than I that discovered the answer.  In relating similar wounds from her past my beautiful friend said that she has realized God’s healing is enough.  She understands that bringing up pains to her offender will not result in anything positive because her offender is not ready to, or capable of dealing with the truth.  And because of this, my friend would not get any resolution or closure that she does not already receive from God.

As my friend shared her story with me I realized that this applies to my situation as well.  The person who wounded me is no more able to deal with the situation today than he was when he first committed the sin against me.  So, there is no point in even trying to discuss it with him.

As I mulled this over and prayed about it I realized that I am okay with it.  I don’t want to lash out or seek revenge.  I don’t want to cause more pain or frustration.  Instead I want to honor God with my actions.  So, I bask in the truth of who I am in Him – His daughter that He loves with a love that is far deeper than I can comprehend and His daughter that He sees as whole, complete and beautiful – and trust His healing touch to be more than sufficient to heal even my deepest wounds.

And if/when God sees fit for the conversation to be had with the person who wounded me, I will trust Him to guide my words and give me wisdom in the moments when I need it.  And if that time never comes it is of no consequence, because in Him I Choose a Better Life through the freedom of forgiveness.

Do you have wounds for which you need to do the same?  Choose a Better Life by choosing to take them to God so you can experience the incredible freedom that only he can give … the freedom that comes in spite of other people.

As you know, I recently enjoyed a personal retreat - time alone with God to reflect, relax and plan.  It was wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

As I was working my way through TrueFaced (see post titled A Must Read) I came to the realization that I had suppressed some wounds that had been inflicted upon me years ago.  I had not thought about these particular wounds in a long time, at least not in the light of examining them and the effects they still have on me.  It was a very painful process, but one that I am most grateful for having gone through.

As I walked through and examined these wounds I realized that the only way for me to truly break free of them was to forgive the people who caused the wounds.  But, for the first time in my life I understood that forgiveness comes on two levels.  There is my forgiveness of the offenders before God and then there is my forgiveness I give to the offenders when they ask for it.

The great news is that the first and most important level of forgiveness, forgiving the offender before God, is not dependant upon the second, forgiving the offender when he asks.

As long as I come before God with the desire to forgive the person who wounded me, He can apply his salve and heal my wounds.  No longer is my healing dependant upon the offender’s repentance, or even acknowledgement, of the hurt.  I can be set free from the bondage and pain of sin committed against me just by bringing it to God!

Another reality that set in during my retreat is that forgiveness does not necessarily equal trust.  My offering forgiveness to someone, whether before God or to the person, does not mean that I must automatically trust him.  When he wounded me, he broke my trust.

This is a simple concept, but it’s one that I didn’t understand before.  I thought that when I forgave someone I needed to be willing to enter back into relationship with him and “pick up where we left off”.  That is not the case.  I can forgive someone and still set healthy boundaries with our relationship.  In fact, it is my responsibility to myself to set those boundaries and protect my emotional and when necessary, physical health.

Let me give you a simple example (this is not the wounds I was dealing with over the weekend), if I have shared my deepest, private thoughts with a girlfriend in confidence and she then shares those with someone else without my permission she has broken my trust and wounded me.  I can take that wound to God, offer forgiveness and receive healing.  If my girlfriend realizes she has wounded me she can repent and ask for my forgiveness.  I can then give her my forgiveness and our relationship can be restored, but I may not immediately trust her with my most precious thoughts again.  In time she may be able to regain my trust, but it is not offered from the onset.

For me, there is a tremendous amount of freedom in this truth.  I am now able to receive healing through forgiveness of offenses that I was unwilling to let go of because I was using them as an excuse to put up walls.  I am free from the bondage of pain and hurt and I understand that with that freedom comes the ability to protect myself with healthy boundaries … not walls, but boundaries.  Boundaries that say, I am valuable, I am worthwhile, I am healthy and I am not willing to put myself in a situation where you can hurt me again.

(I need to say that setting healthy boundaries is different from putting up walls that isolate you from everyone.  Healthy boundaries show respect for yourself and others while providing the opportunity to make deep connections with people who share that respect.)

I encourage you to Choose a Better Life by taking your hurts to God, offering forgiveness and allowing Him to apply salve to the wounds.  It’s only then that you will be set free from the bondage of pain. And how wonderful is that freedom!  Let the healing begin!

A few times over this wonderful Labor Day weekend I ran into folks who have stopped me in my tracks.  Thankfully it was only a few, but those few were enough for me.  What these people had in common, and frankly what caught me off guard, was their anger, bitterness and negativity.

One man, thinking he was being “cute,” got in my face and challenged me on my food addiction.  He needed, as he put it, a reality check as to whether or not I had a problem asking me, along with other things, about my highest weight. All this was spurred on over the fact that I politely declined an offer of a cookie at a meeting.

The next day a woman criticized me about a column I had written (a column that had appeared on this site first) in our local paper claiming I was being self-serving and smug.  She questioned my intent for the article and insinuated I had done damage to others by writing it.

On both occasions I was taken aback, stunned actually.  I don’t expect the world to always be gentle and nurturing, but I don’t expect to be slammed into a wall either.  And that is how I felt in both instances.  With both the man and the woman I was glad I did not follow through with my initial gut response.  Instead, I was given grace which allowed me to step away, reflect and pray.

As I thought and prayed about both events I realized that, as is often the case with hurting people, I was just the object on which frustrations were vented.  I didn’t do anything “wrong.”   I just happened to be the catalyst that opened the door of anger and bitterness.

Why am I writing about this?  Because since these events, I have taken time to stop and think … to evaluate my own ways of communicating.  And I wonder on how many people I have unleashed unwarranted fury … just because they may have pushed a button without even knowing it.

Hopefully the number of people I have wounded with my words has declined over the past several years as I’ve learned that I must regularly take my own wounds and anger to God to be healed.  It’s when I don’t allow Him to restore my soul that it fills up with negativity and spills over affecting those around me. And it is during these times that I am most likely to spew something that hurts someone else.

Join me in asking God to heal our wounds so that we may stop hurting others out of our own frustration and woundedness.  In doing so, I guarantee you will Choose a Better Life.

Over the weekend I had a conversation that again, reminded me of the impact our attitude has on our quality of life.  Without going into all the details, I spoke with a woman, we’ll call her Becky, and was trying to arrange a get-together for our daughters.

Prior to my family’s move across country two years ago, our daughters had been bosom friends for six years – that’s a long time in the life of a 12-year old. My daughter and I are headed back to California for a few weeks to visit family and catch up with old friends … a perfect opportunity for the girls to get together.

Becky was having no part of it.  She bitterly spouted off a string of reasons why our visit was just not going to work – her kids were out of school, she still had to work, June is a busy month, etc.  Even when I suggested a second set of dates, there was just no way the get together was going to happen.  Then she came to, what I think is the crux of the issue, her mother had passed away since we moved and Becky was going to have to add caring for her father to her list of things to do.

I am by no means minimizing the pain of losing a parent.  Thankfully I have not been in that situation.  I have, however, walked through this loss with a very dear friend and I know how difficult it can be.  I also know that Becky has at least one sibling, whom I know fairly well, who will be helping care for her dad so the burden is not Becky’s alone.

What struck me during this conversation was that Becky was angry with life and very bitter.  I am not a psychologist, but even I can tell that there are some unresolved issues there.  I don’t know if Becky has not forgiven her mom for dying or if she has not forgiven herself for something she did/did not do before her mom passed away, but Becky’s life is definitely fueled by her emotions.

What I find even sadder, is that Becky’s family is run by her emotions too.  Because Becky is holding on to her hurt, her family, in this case her daughter, is missing out on opportunities.

Although this scenario is specific to Becky, it can be true of any of us.  When we are unwilling to let go of our hurt and forgive others we lessen our quality of life.  Most of the time the “offender” has moved on and may not even be aware of the pain he has caused, and yet we still hold on to it and wear it as a badge of honor.  So often we use our pain to justify our place in life.  “If only Steven hadn’t betrayed me, then I’d have gotten my promotion and my life would be so much better,” we rationalize.

It may be true, that a promotion would increase our income and/or make our life a bit easier, but how we deal with not getting the promotion is entirely our choice.  We can choose to wallow in the decision or we can choose to let it go and move on.

My daughter is learning this lesson with our vacation.  She is not able to see two of her best friends (Becky’s daughter is one, the other will be out of town) and she is understandably very disappointed.  However, as I explained to her last night, she is still getting to visit family, see a few friends, visit our old church, go to the beach, go to Disneyland and do a host of other activities.  Now she has a choice to make.  She can either enjoy what we are going to be able to do, or she can allow her disappointment to take over. If she chooses the later she will grumpily walk through the next few weeks and rob herself of the joy she could receive from all the cool things we have planned. Either way, the choice is entirely up to her.

Are you allowing the negative to rob you of your joy?  Is there a hurt you need to let go of or someone you need to forgive?  If so, take action today.  Don’t use pain as an excuse.  Choose a Better Life.

My pastor said something in church the other day that made me think.  He said that often times the person we have the hardest time forgiving is ourselves.  For days I have mulled this over and I have come to the conclusion that he is right.

Some of the memories that stand out the most to me are ones in which I, deliberately or not, hurt someone else.  I find this is especially true when it comes to family members.  There have been times when I’ve hurt my youngest daughter’s feelings by discarding her words or thoughts simply because I was too busy to engage with her.

She has left my presence feeling unimportant and unloved.  Thankfully, I usually realize this fairly quickly and can apologize and either stop to give her the attention she deserves, or set a time with her when I’ll be fully available to focus on what she has to say.

However, I also realize that by abruptly sending her away I have caused, on some level, a diminishment of her self-esteem.  And that kills me.

Even though I’ve apologized and tried to make thins “right”, I still carry around guilt … an inability to forgive myself.  Why?  As my pastor pointed out, we often feel that if we hold on to the guilt we can somehow right the wrong; somehow our self-punishment will make things better.  But in reality, nothing we do can turn back the clock and undo our doings.

So, how do we truly forgive ourselves?  First, we need to understand that we were not created to judge … others or ourselves.  It is not our responsibility to inflict punishment.  (I’m not talking about our legal system and the rules that are required for community.)

Secondly, as I mentioned above, our self-punishment through guilt and unforgiveness, will not right the wrong and it benefits no one.  My daughter’s hurt is not diminished by the fact that I am carrying around a 100 pound weight on my shoulders.  If anything, that guilt interferes with my ability to focus on her and build our relationship.

Thirdly, and most importantly, the payment for my wrongdoing was already paid.  When Jesus died on the cross he took all my wrongdoings with him.  He paid the ultimate price.  I no longer need to try to “make up for it”.

Fourthly, the only One who is able to judge has extended grace to me.  He has paid the penalty and has forgiven me.  So if God can forgive me, who am I to not forgive myself?  Do I think I am above God?  No, but if I hold on to the guilt I am, in a sense, acting as if I believe that.

Lastly, I need to trust that the One who has extended me grace will do the same for my daughter.  I have to trust that God can, and will, heal her hurts and mend her self-esteem.

All this being said, I do not think we should take our role as parents, or otherwise, lightly.  We have a responsibility to edify and build-up those around us.  We need to be aware of how our actions affect others and we need to do our best to offer healing instead of hurt.  But, when those moments of wrongdoing occur, and they will, we need to be willing to apologize, ask for forgiveness from the one we hurt and forgive ourselves.  This is the only way we can truly enjoy a better life.

I recently watched the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Crossroads: A Story of Forgiveness.

If you haven’t seen the movie it is based on the true story of Bruce Murakami.  Bruce’s wife and daughter were killed in a car crash.  As Bruce pushed to find out the truth of what happened he discovered the accident was the result of two boys’ drag race – one collided with the van Bruce’s wife was driving.

In pursuing justice for vehicular homicide, Bruce discovered the only way for him, and his two surviving sons, to heal was to forgive the young man, Justin Gutierrez (Justin Cabezas is the real name of the driver), who killed his wife and daughter.  In doing so, he and Justin form an unique relationship that lead to their speaking to students about the dangers of street racing as well as teaching on general automobile safety.

At the end of the movie Dean Cain (who played Bruce) introduces the real Bruce Murakami.  Bruce said he is often asked how he could forgive Justin for killing his wife and daughter.  “My faith left me no other choice.  Until I forgave Justin I was stuck and becoming another victim of the accident,” stated Bruce.

It was the healing power of forgiveness that enabled Bruce to not only move on with his life, but to use his horrible experience to impact the lives of others - Bruce founded the non-profit organization Safe Teen Driver, www.safeteendriver.org.

To read and hear Bruce’s story told in his own words visit the website he created for his wife and daughter http://www.touchedby.com.   Click on the What Happened link to view the timeline of events, read letters from Bruce to his wife and daughter, and to see video clips of Bruce and Justin.

I ask you again, who do you need to forgive today?  The forgiveness you offer may not be as dramatic as that of Bruce Murakami’s, but it is nonetheless as important.  Free yourself from the bondage of anger and bitterness.  Choose a Better Life by choosing to forgive.

What I’ve learned about forgiveness is that it is an activity, not an event.  Forgiving someone, for whatever it is they’ve done wrong, isn’t a one-time occurrence.  Generally speaking it is something that needs to occur repeatedly.

I may forgive my friend today for the hurtful thing she said, but tomorrow when my anger resurfaces I’ll need to forgive her again.  And I may find that I need to forgive her many times – as many times as it takes to truly release my hurt.  It’s only then that I have freedom from the pain.  And it’s this freedom that enables me to Choose a Better Life.

Who do you need to forgive today?

Feel free to explore any of the following sites as a start to looking at forgiveness:

www.family.org
www.troubledwith.com
www.spiritualityhealth.com/newsh/items/selftest/item_232.html

I know there are many other sites on forgiveness too. If you come across some, share them with us.