Yes, the three simple words I am referring to are “I love you.”

These three words can turn a sour moment into something beautiful.  They can diffuse anger, ease frustration, deliver smiles, warm hearts, bring comfort and give someone great joy.  When used correctly, these three words are powerful.

As I shared earlier, I recently returned from a vacation in California where I was able to visit my old haunts and see friends and family.  I am quick to admit that there is nothing like a warm embrace from a long-time friend followed by, “I love you” to make me feel missed.  How I cherish my friendships.

While I was there my daughter and I stayed with one of my closest friends (an old college roommate) and her family.  What a blessing to be welcomed into their home.

My girlfriend has just had her second beautiful baby – her other child is a 5 year old gorgeous boy.  As any new mother knows it is so easy to get caught up with the daily needs of a newborn and let everything else fade into the background.  But, I noticed that my girlfriend makes a concerted effort not to let her newborn’s needs over shadow her son’s.

She is constantly saying to her son, “Hey little man, I love you.”  Even when the baby is fussy, crying and demanding her attention Mom never forgets to let her son know he too is cherished.

What stood out to me even more is that during times of discipline my girlfriend never loses sight of her love for her son.  She would often say, “Honey, because I love you I can’t let you do that.  The answer is still no” or “Little man, I told you not to do that, but you did it anyway.  I love you, but you need to sit in time out.”  Amazing.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also point out that dad does the same thing.  Almost every series of interactions is preceded with “I love you.”

There is no doubt that these kids will know they are treasured.  I am sure, as with every family, there will be times of testing and times when Mom and Dad’s love is pushed to the limit, but I know these kids will be confident they have a safe place where they are cared for and loved … a place to which they can always return.

Three simple words can make such a great impact.  I love that I got to see my girlfriend’s family in action.  Love is the underlying current of everything they do.

I didn’t grow up in a home where “I love you” was ever spoken so I had to learn to express myself as an adult.  I am so thankful I did.  There are few feelings as good as the one that comes from giving and receiving an “I love you.”

These three simple words can make all the difference.  Who do you need to say them to today?  Choose a Better Life by letting someone know you love them.  Regardless of whether or not your love is reciprocated, truly giving it to someone will brighten your day and impact theirs.

If you are like most people, you probably spend time cursing yourself without even realizing it.  By cursing I don’t mean pulling out alligators’ tails and saying some sort of incantation, but what you do is cursing nonetheless.

How often have you said things like, “I am so fat”   or “What an idiot. I can’t believe how stupid I am” or even, “I hate my life.”

Every time words like these come out of your mouth you are opening the door for disaster.  As spiritual beings we have been given authority over our lives and when we curse ourselves with negative self-talk we are actually giving the powers that be permission to fulfill our words.

In addition, the more we allow negative self-talk to come out of our mouths, the more we are programming our minds to think the same way.  And negative minds beget negative actions.  So negativity perpetuates more negativity.

The reverse is also true.  If we are loving ourselves with our words we are programming our minds to love ourselves too.  This in turn allows us to live a more positive life which enables us to approach others in this same light generating a more positive reaction from those around us.  Positive energy perpetuating positive energy.

Training your mind and your mouth, however, can be a challenge.  If you’ve allowed yourself to be inflicted by others’ words or by your own, most of us have, you have work to do.  My husband helped me realize this several years ago.  I had recorded mental tapes that played all the curses I, or others, had placed on myself.  When I’d get frustrated I’d allow the old negative tapes to play and my words would reflect those messages.

Reprogramming takes work and diligence.  Generally it does not happen overnight, but it is well worth the effort.

I made a list of several things I knew to be true of myself and wanted desperately to believe.  Among other things, my list included: I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14),  I am worthy, my womanly body is beautiful, I am intelligent, I am a good friend, I am successful, etc.

I kept my list where I would see it and be reminded to repeat these things to myself on a regular basis.  Sometimes I’d pick one or two of the items on my list and adopt them as my mantra for days, or weeks, at a time.

The more I read and verbally repeated my list the less power my old, negative tapes had and the more empowered I became. I began feeling restored, worthwhile and capable of facing what was to come.

This truth is one I wished I had understood earlier in my life.  I spent years cursing myself and allowing the curses of others to take a hold of me.  As a result, I have to continually work to break those curses and remove their power.  However, the good news is that the more I do it the easier it becomes.  And the number of negative tapes I have running through my head today are far less than they were years ago.

This truth is also one I am trying to pass on to others, my daughters included.  It breaks my heart to hear one of them spew out something nasty about themselves.  When I hear one of them say something negative about, say, their body, I try to bring it to their attention immediately so they can reverse the effects of the curse and bless instead.

Many of us curse without even knowing it.  We are, unfortunately, so used to hearing the negative that we don’t even notice it.

How many times have you cursed yourself today?  Better yet, how many times have you blessed yourself today?  Be attentive to your words.  Listen to what you tell yourself.  Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk.  As you do, you will be transformed and you will Choose a Better Life.

My husband recently blogged (see Forward 10 link under Recommended Sites)  about saying “thank you” and blessing others instead of cursing, something I’ve also written about.  With his permission I share a comment left on his site:

As a waitress, I have had to deal with a lot of grouchy “grumbling guys” that take their hunger pains out on me. If only every customer could read your post and learn to bless people for their services, doing what’s right would be a lot easier… and everyone would be a lot happier and healthier. You’re right, it all comes back to you in the end!

Comment by Ashley — April 2, 2007

Ashley says it all, if we would practice blessing instead of cursing, everyone would be a lot happier and healthier.

Thank you Ashley for sharing and reminding us that every service we take advantage of, being waited on in a restaurant or otherwise, has a person behind it that needs to be appreciated.

I just took a break in the middle of this post to do this very thing.

Over the last few days our street was paved.  I thought the crew was done and so I parked back in my driveway.  A moment ago I heard a few of the paving crew return.  I went outside to see if I needed to move my car.  No, they were just cleaning up.

Great opportunity to bless.  I thanked the guys for removing the little bits of asphalt that were left on sidewalks and driveways and went inside.  And the great thing is, I really was thankful.  I do appreciate not having to contend with the little pieces of tar left behind.

However, I could have taken the other approach and complained that the clean-up crew wasn’t here yesterday and that I had to deal with asphalt bits all last evening.  But, what good would that have done?  None.  The debris would not have been removed any sooner and I would have left the exchange grumpy and would have made the clean-up crew grumpy.

You can imagine the ripple effect this would have.  I grumpily walk through my day and snip at everyone I cone in contact with, they then snip at the next person they see and on and on the grumpiness goes.

Instead, I have, at the minimum, contributed to making the world a less grumpy place and at the maximum spurred these gentlemen on to blessing someone they come in contact with later today.  A ripple effect I’m proud to be a part of.

Look, with intention, for someone you can bless today.  No need to make this elaborate, a simple “thank you for [insert service]” will do.  By doing so you will start a joy ripple and avoid a grumpy one.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend a few days in Chicago with my husband.  He is here on business and I on pleasure, although I have made some wonderful business contacts too.  Although Chicago is one of my husband’s favorite cities, I had not been here before, but after only a few hours it was clear why my husband loves it so.

Chicago is beautiful.  The architecture is breath-taking, the parks and trails amazing, the food fantastic, the energy engaging and the diversity wonderful.  Oh, and lest I forget the shopping … the shopping is tremendous.

As I’ve become enraptured with Chicago life over the past few days I’ve tried to be a gracious tourist.  It’s easy to get caught up in what I am doing and where I am going, however, I have been working at engaging in conversation those around me.  As I’ve done so I found that Chicagoans are no different from those in my own home town; they love to be recognized and valued.

As Chuck and I got into a cab last night I began talking to our cabby.  As someone who is highly allergic to smoke, I first told him how much I appreciated his no smoking rule.  That began a great exchange of how a clean cab is important to him.  He has let fares go, even on a slow night, if they insist on smoking.  From there we discussed how long he had been a cab driver in Chicago and what type of interesting people he had come across in his 15 years.

Our conversation was simple, but when we got to our destination I noticed the cabbie rolled back the meter a bit as he wished us a great night.  Not only did my husband and I leave the cab feeling good, but as he smiled, I believe the cabby’s night was made a bit better by our taking the time to notice and appreciate him.

The same has been true as I’ve talked to the harried cashier at Starbucks, the overwhelmed dressing room clerk at the department store, the busy traffic cop in the intersection, the concierge at the theatre and the hotel maids I pass in the hallway.
All of them have been somewhat surprised as I take a moment to recognize them.

And on the occasion I struggle with knowing what to say, I always thank them for doing their jobs and let them know I appreciate what they do.  It’s true.  Without these people serving as they do, we would go without many of the things we take for granted: fresh coffee made to my specifications, clothes on the racks at department stores, the ability to cross the street without losing a limb, directions to our seats before a show, fresh linens and towels in our hotel rooms, etc.   We are blessed by the jobs people do.

Take a moment today to recognize those around you.  Let them know you appreciate their work.  Not only will you put a smile on their faces, but you will leave with a smile on yours.  This is a simple, but deliberate step in Choosing a Better Life.

I know this category is about our words, but along those lines …

My husband Chuck and I meet once a week for lunch.  It is our time to debrief and reconnect.  His office is about 30 miles from our home and I make it a priority to block out time to go out there each Thursday.  In fact, it is such a routine that last week as I walked up to the building and said hi to two of his co-workers one of them responded, “Wow, is it lunch time already?”  Yes, the dinner bell had arrived. J

We went to one of our favorite restaurants, Doce (in Durham, NC).  Beside the fact that it has great food, one of the reasons we love this restaurant so much is that the owners and staff are so friendly.  They are flexible in how I put my order together, always smile, always say hi and usually hold some sort of short conversation.

Last week Chuck and I were eating outside on the patio.  One of the owners pulled up, he had been out on a delivery, introduced us to his daughter, and chatted for a minute.  On his way inside he asked if we needed anything.  Chuck jokingly said, “Yeah, if you’re handing out some of your cookies.”  (Doce has wonderful cookies.)    I quickly followed with “No, no cookies.”  My salmon and salad was just right.  I didn’t want the temptation of the cookie.  Robert, the partner, smiled, “When she’s not here I’ll give you a cookie.”

Chuck and I finished our lunch and continued talking about life.  A few minutes later Robert brought out a manila envelope with Chuck’s name on it and said, “Ah, remember the information you asked me for last week?” and handed the envelope to him.  Chuck began to open it and Robert quickly said, “You may want to wait to open it.”  Chuck snuck a peek.  Inside was a cookie!

Chuck and I laughed and got great enjoyment out of the gift.  Not only had Robert given Chuck a cookie, but he did so without tempting me in the process.  It was such a simple thing to do, but it was so much appreciated.  Chuck and I talked about this act of kindness all the way back to the office.

As I left Chuck’s office and passed Doce on my way home, I again thought about the cookie and smiled.  Giving this gift took Robert only a few minutes, but it brought an amazing amount of joy to Chuck and me.  What a great reminder of how we can do little things to bring happiness to someone else.

What will you do today?  What gift of kindness can you give to brighten someone’s day and give them a Better Life?

My husband, Chuck, loves to use the illustration that words are like a tube of toothpaste; once they are out of your mouth, you can’t put them back.

We all know what this feels like.  You’re having a conversation with a friend and slip, out comes something you did not intend to share.  Oops.  More often than not, a similar thing takes place in arguments.  In the heat of the battle, as you are trying to defend yourself and take back ground, you say something hurtful.  You drudge up past mistakes (this relates to forgiveness) or hurl a spiteful word at your opponent.  You are, after all, trying to “win” the argument are you not?

But, there in lies the rub.  What does winning the argument really mean?  Does it mean that you have coerced the other person to acquiesce to your view?  Does it mean that you have slung enough arrows to break down your opponent so he surrenders?  Or does it simply mean that the other person gives in out of tiredness or boredom with the conversation?

The majority of our conversations, I don’t believe, are entered into with the hopes of ending up in a battle of the words and/or wills.  However, since conversations occur between two or more unique individuals, inevitably we will come across subjects on which we disagree.  What do we do at that point?  Do we stuff our feelings and/or beliefs to keep the peace?  By no means.  But, we can express ourselves without entering into a verbal war.

Chuck and I attend a marriage seminar hosted by our church every Wednesday night.  After the teaching portion of the seminar we break into groups of about 12 and discuss the material.  We are fortunate enough to lead one of these groups.

Throughout the last 6 months a recurring theme has been communication.  Recently we were given a list of “Counseling Principles”.  These are tools that the marriage counselor often gives his clients in helping them strengthen their marriages.  One of these principles stuck out to me and it was the topic of one of the group’s discussions.

The Principle – “Pay attention to how your conflicts end and try that in the beginning.”  What he meant was that we need to be aware of our behavior when a conflict is ending and try to start the discussion with similar behavior.

For example, in our marriage we often end a conflict much quieter than when we started.  The majority of the anger is gone from our voices and we are likely to be listening to what the other person has to say. It is only at this time that we can truly hear the other’s hurt and respond appropriately.

So, if we started our conflicts by listening and not defending ourselves or our point of view; by trying to understand instead of thinking about our next response; and by maintaining a normal tone and level of intensity in our voices we’d be much better off.

The same is true of any discussion.  By keeping our cool and thinking of the end result we are able to avoid much of the hurt that often comes from disagreements.  And as a direct result we are able to keep the proverbial toothpaste in the tube.

How much better life would be if we implemented this on a daily basis.  Become aware of your conversations, especially your disagreements, and pay attention to the words you use.  Part of Choosing a Better Life is deliberately choosing to manage our words and the impact they have on others.

As noted in my last entry in this category, I am a proponent of conversations and strokes (those little “hellos” to strangers). I love surprising people with a smile and a hello.

This morning, after an awards ceremony at my daughter’s school, I stopped by my favorite Starbucks. As usual, their staff was fantastic. By the time I got to the register three employees had greeted me and started small conversations. That is exactly why I love this Starbucks … they are friendly and make me feel appreciated.

After Starbucks I stopped at Costco to get gas. As I was at the pump thinking through my day I was pulled back into the present by a very warm, “Hello, how are you today?” The attendant was walking from car to car greeting each of the customers. The conversations weren’t long, but he was attentive to each response and gave a reply back. I also noticed that when the customers asked him how he was, he did not give the same pat answer. Each time he used different words to express that he was well. And each time I watched a smile come across the customer’s face.

I’m not relating these stories as a commercial for these companies but rather as a way to illustrate my point. People like to be noticed and feel connected. And something as simple as a good-morning greeting can make that happen.

As you go about your day today, take the time to smile and say hello to those around you. You, and they, will be glad you did.

As a first step in learning to use words in a positive way, begin by simply striking up conversations.  Talk with the barista at Starbucks as he prepares your coffee.  Ask him about his day or about the customers he’s served.  Comment on the earrings the woman in front of you at Macy’s is buying.  Smile and say, “Hi” to the teenager who passes you in the mall.

If you are an extrovert you will find this very easy.  But, if you are an introvert this will take work. (It does get easier the more you do it, I promise.)  Either way, make a conscious decision to engage someone in conversation today and watch as a smile crosses her face.