Boundaries
posted in General |A recent post under the World of Work category generated a question about toxic people who are close relatives. The specific question was, “How do you get rid of a toxic person who is also a close relative?
Getting “rid” of a toxic person, close relative or not, is harsh language. As I stated in my earlier post, I am not advocating labeling people as toxic and then cutting off all ties with them. What I am advocating is that we realize all our lives are touched by toxic people in one way or another - the relative who has nothing but judgment to share, the co-worker who is always complaining, the neighbor who is always negative. The goal is to not let these people define us and drain us of our energy.
We need to find Mentors, Champions and Encouragers (see earlier post) and surround ourselves with them. These positive people will be the ones who energize us and propel us on to greater things in our lives.
As for the toxic people, I believe the best way of handling them is to set boundaries. Close relative or otherwise, it is our job to protect ourselves from the damaging negativity toxic people spread. We need to believe in our value, respect ourselves and let others know we expect the same from them.
However, in setting boundaries we must treat the other person with love and respect too. Sometimes this can be done simply with a conversation. “Susie, the other day when we were talking I felt judged by your statement of X. I realize you may not agree with my stand on this issue, but it is my belief nonetheless. If you’d like to discuss it I am open to doing so, but only if that can be done without judgments.”
Obviously, not everyone is going to respond to this type of statement. You may have to take a firmer stand and even cut a conversation short. It may be, as is the case with me, that you only share minimal conversations with “Susie”. And there will be times when your boundaries are not well received. Unfortunately, those relationships may be ones that are naturally severed.
There is a great series of books on this topic by Dr. Henry Cloud and, Dr. John Townsend called Boundaries. Although the principles in these books are Christian-based they apply to everyone.
From the Back Cover
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances — Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions — Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others — Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator — Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren’t boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
I want to stress that while we are setting boundaries it is imperative to have healthy, positive, encouraging relationships in our lives too. We need people who will cheer us on, encourage us to look at all angles of a project or problem and let us know we are making an impact on our world.
Finding these people may prove to be a challenge, but don’t give up. Be proactive, look around you and see who is in your life. Regardless of the depth of your current relationship, if you find someone you think can be a Mentor, Champion or Encourager approach him and ask if he’d be willing to “join your team”. Not only will he be flattered (Who doesn’t want to be acknowledged for what he ahs to offer?), but you may gain an invaluable relationship.
Choose to surround yourself with positive people and in doing so Choose a Better Life.