Words Are Like Toothpaste
posted in Words |My husband, Chuck, loves to use the illustration that words are like a tube of toothpaste; once they are out of your mouth, you can’t put them back.
We all know what this feels like. You’re having a conversation with a friend and slip, out comes something you did not intend to share. Oops. More often than not, a similar thing takes place in arguments. In the heat of the battle, as you are trying to defend yourself and take back ground, you say something hurtful. You drudge up past mistakes (this relates to forgiveness) or hurl a spiteful word at your opponent. You are, after all, trying to “win” the argument are you not?
But, there in lies the rub. What does winning the argument really mean? Does it mean that you have coerced the other person to acquiesce to your view? Does it mean that you have slung enough arrows to break down your opponent so he surrenders? Or does it simply mean that the other person gives in out of tiredness or boredom with the conversation?
The majority of our conversations, I don’t believe, are entered into with the hopes of ending up in a battle of the words and/or wills. However, since conversations occur between two or more unique individuals, inevitably we will come across subjects on which we disagree. What do we do at that point? Do we stuff our feelings and/or beliefs to keep the peace? By no means. But, we can express ourselves without entering into a verbal war.
Chuck and I attend a marriage seminar hosted by our church every Wednesday night. After the teaching portion of the seminar we break into groups of about 12 and discuss the material. We are fortunate enough to lead one of these groups.
Throughout the last 6 months a recurring theme has been communication. Recently we were given a list of “Counseling Principles”. These are tools that the marriage counselor often gives his clients in helping them strengthen their marriages. One of these principles stuck out to me and it was the topic of one of the group’s discussions.
The Principle – “Pay attention to how your conflicts end and try that in the beginning.” What he meant was that we need to be aware of our behavior when a conflict is ending and try to start the discussion with similar behavior.
For example, in our marriage we often end a conflict much quieter than when we started. The majority of the anger is gone from our voices and we are likely to be listening to what the other person has to say. It is only at this time that we can truly hear the other’s hurt and respond appropriately.
So, if we started our conflicts by listening and not defending ourselves or our point of view; by trying to understand instead of thinking about our next response; and by maintaining a normal tone and level of intensity in our voices we’d be much better off.
The same is true of any discussion. By keeping our cool and thinking of the end result we are able to avoid much of the hurt that often comes from disagreements. And as a direct result we are able to keep the proverbial toothpaste in the tube.
How much better life would be if we implemented this on a daily basis. Become aware of your conversations, especially your disagreements, and pay attention to the words you use. Part of Choosing a Better Life is deliberately choosing to manage our words and the impact they have on others.